Dear 2018

Ok so I'm going to be completely honest. Writing this post was a bit challenging and at one point, I was on the verge of giving up. I kept getting stuck and I couldn't figure out why until I realized that I was trying to write about the whole entire year of 2018 in one post. Once that finally hit I was just completely overwhelmed. Because 2018 has been b.u.s.y. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...the whole lot of 'em. I also have trouble writing more "serious" posts because I either ramble or feel like giving up cause it just doesn't sound like me at all. Add on top of that the fact that I have to be kind of vague (I still go under a pseudonym for goodness' sake) and it gets quite crazy. So! I have decided I'd just tackle a part of my year instead of attempting the whole 365 days of 2018. Here goes...

Wow. It's hard to believe you have finally come to an end. I had mixed feelings about saying goodbye to you honestly. You were one of the worst years of my life...and yet at the same time, you were one of the best.

I've learned a lot. I've learned that a smile can hide a breaking heart, but I also know that it's one of the most awful feelings a person could ever experience. I've learned that people come and go but it's when people give up and leave that you see who you can truly trust. I've learned that life is not always black and white (much as I sometimes wish it could be) and we need to find a way to see through the grey. I've cried so hard I thought my heart was going to burst into a million pieces. I've despaired and fallen into darkness that I thought was impossible to escape. There is so much pain and hurt and confusion...but there is also clarity.

On Christmas Eve a man asked me if I was happy. I almost broke down right there in our church lobby. Because it made me realize that no, I'm not happy. I'm hurting. It wasn't all "merry". But you know what? That is completely, totally, absolutely ok. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to have pain. You don't have to be happy just because people expect you to be happy. And I mean, trust me, I was happy about the meaning of Christmas. I am thankful that Christ came to earth in human form to save us from our sins and to give us the gift of salvation and eternal life. But there can be pain with joy. One of the most important things I learned this semester at school is that lament is part of wisdom. Lament. Pain. Hurt. It's ok to ask why. To cry out to God and demand why, why was life this way? Why did it have to be so hard? Why can't it be some other way? Just why, why, why?

I've messed up. I've made mistakes. I've been broken. But despite all the challenges you held, 2018, it's taught me so many things. I've learned to view things from a different perspective. I've learned that there really is such a thing as unconditional love. I've learned more about what true friendships actually look like. I've seen first-hand people my own age on fire for God and honestly, I admire them so much. I've learned that opening up with people helps SO much. Along with truth and understanding comes clarity. And with clarity comes well - changes. And confusion, strangely enough. It's hard to figure out what to do when you want to be respectful but at the same time, you want to be able to do what you believe God is calling you to do. There's going to be trouble and conflict ahead, I'm fairly certain. I don't know what 2019 holds for me, but I suspect it's going to be hard. And I only pray that God gives me the strength to do what's right. There will be changes. Many, many changes. 

Life is hard. And you've definitely shown me that. And I know that life is only going to get harder. But I know that along with the darkness comes light. No matter how hard it gets, there's always gonna be hope in something better. No matter how hard life may break me, I'm still gonna get back up again because this life is SO worth living. Not for myself, but for the one and only God of the universe.

"Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King

I wish I could bring so much more

But if it's trueYou use broken things

Then here I am, Lord, I'm All Yours"

~ 

"Broken Things" - Matthew West

Dear 2018...

Thank you. 

C.O.L.L.E.G.E.

Y'all. You are now looking at a brand new, super nervous, super excited, kinda confuzzled, (and still crazy) college student (ok so this picture was taken before college but honestly not much has changed besides the fact that my arms are scarred all the way up to my elbows with blisters and burns from an evil garden of parsnips...but yeah that's a whole 'nother story) 

But yeah...the next step in my life began yesterday when I began moving my life into a dorm room.

I feel like everything went by in a blur though - one minute there was a stack of boxes in my room and the next I was pinning the last couple pictures to my wall. I love how small the college is though. It's just like this super awesome community where I'm pretty sure everyone will probably know everyone else by next week - two weeks latest. And everyone is so very welcoming. One of the funniest moments of yesterday was backing up in front of the dorm and then having this swarm of people in blue shirts suddenly opening the trunk of the car and just grabbing ALL my stuff and carrying it away to my dorm with no explanation at all. Nice but totally unexpected. 

Then there came the unpacking which went by super fast thanks to my mom, sister, and dorm mate/friend. My shelf was instantly filled with textbooks and an overabundance of super pretty notebooks. And then of course the pictures and other delightful whatnot to make everything more homey and cozy and lovely.  

Ahhhh and the kitchen! While ok more the DISHES. I went shopping for college stuff with my two besties and thrift stores are AMAZING. Like - just hands down awesome. I've always wanted to fill my own little house with dishes and stuff and I kinda got the chance to do that with my dorm room. So we went to the thrift store and came back with a box packed full of stuff - all for under $20! There were these super cute yellow plates that were 5 for a $1...and then super cute mugs for like 25 cents each and a casserole dish and ramekins and spoons and knives and forks and yeahhh it was awesome. Wasn't able to take a picture of everything but here's some of the stuff:

And chocolate. So much chocolate. Bars of chocolate, candied chocolates, chocolate chip granola bars, huge can of hot chocolate, chocolate ice cream, Nutella...I think you might get the point. Lots and lots of very delicious chocolate. I have amazing friends and family, you guys xD

Finally done unpacking!

Oh my goodness you guys. Ok so at lunch...there was this ADORABLE 7 week old puppy. And I held him and he was wrapped up in my flannel shirt and HE WAS SO CUTE. I really really want a puppy ❤️

Aaaand of course this super special girl who has supported me basically my whole life and who helped to unpack all my stuff and then hid a box full of awesomeness and notes that made me laugh so hard. Yes we cried. I mean, we tried not to. But then she did when we said goodbye and then I couldn't hold it back anymore and yeah we cried in the middle of the parking lot. I mean, it's hard! How do you not cry when you don't get to live with your best friend after like...her whole life?? Botheration now I'm starting to cry writing this :P  I'm very much so gonna miss her...but we're gonna keep in touch as much as possible. Thank goodness for technology. And weekends!!!! 

Honestly...I still feel the same. I've just kinda been plopped into a new place and room...but it's still me. Which is a good thing I think :P I dunno...I thought I'd feel like some kind of college student but don't know what that feels like - or if that even is a thing. I just feel like...me :P 

Despite all the confuzzledness I feel though, I DO know that I'm thankful for this opportunity and I'm excited to see what God has in store for me in this stage of my life. 

No clue whatsoever what life is going to be like now...but I'm trusting the Lord with it all. Every class, every person, every day and every night - every single step of the way, He's in control of it all. (and yeah I need to keep reminding myself of that ;)) 

Happy school year everyone! 📚