Ok so I'm going to be completely honest. Writing this post was a bit challenging and at one point, I was on the verge of giving up. I kept getting stuck and I couldn't figure out why until I realized that I was trying to write about the whole entire year of 2018 in one post. Once that finally hit I was just completely overwhelmed. Because 2018 has been b.u.s.y. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...the whole lot of 'em. I also have trouble writing more "serious" posts because I either ramble or feel like giving up cause it just doesn't sound like me at all. Add on top of that the fact that I have to be kind of vague (I still go under a pseudonym for goodness' sake) and it gets quite crazy. So! I have decided I'd just tackle a part of my year instead of attempting the whole 365 days of 2018. Here goes...
Wow. It's hard to believe you have finally come to an end. I had mixed feelings about saying goodbye to you honestly. You were one of the worst years of my life...and yet at the same time, you were one of the best.
I've learned a lot. I've learned that a smile can hide a breaking heart, but I also know that it's one of the most awful feelings a person could ever experience. I've learned that people come and go but it's when people give up and leave that you see who you can truly trust. I've learned that life is not always black and white (much as I sometimes wish it could be) and we need to find a way to see through the grey. I've cried so hard I thought my heart was going to burst into a million pieces. I've despaired and fallen into darkness that I thought was impossible to escape. There is so much pain and hurt and confusion...but there is also clarity.
On Christmas Eve a man asked me if I was happy. I almost broke down right there in our church lobby. Because it made me realize that no, I'm not happy. I'm hurting. It wasn't all "merry". But you know what? That is completely, totally, absolutely ok. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to have pain. You don't have to be happy just because people expect you to be happy. And I mean, trust me, I was happy about the meaning of Christmas. I am thankful that Christ came to earth in human form to save us from our sins and to give us the gift of salvation and eternal life. But there can be pain with joy. One of the most important things I learned this semester at school is that lament is part of wisdom. Lament. Pain. Hurt. It's ok to ask why. To cry out to God and demand why, why was life this way? Why did it have to be so hard? Why can't it be some other way? Just why, why, why?
I've messed up. I've made mistakes. I've been broken. But despite all the challenges you held, 2018, it's taught me so many things. I've learned to view things from a different perspective. I've learned that there really is such a thing as unconditional love. I've learned more about what true friendships actually look like. I've seen first-hand people my own age on fire for God and honestly, I admire them so much. I've learned that opening up with people helps SO much. Along with truth and understanding comes clarity. And with clarity comes well - changes. And confusion, strangely enough. It's hard to figure out what to do when you want to be respectful but at the same time, you want to be able to do what you believe God is calling you to do. There's going to be trouble and conflict ahead, I'm fairly certain. I don't know what 2019 holds for me, but I suspect it's going to be hard. And I only pray that God gives me the strength to do what's right. There will be changes. Many, many changes.
Life is hard. And you've definitely shown me that. And I know that life is only going to get harder. But I know that along with the darkness comes light. No matter how hard it gets, there's always gonna be hope in something better. No matter how hard life may break me, I'm still gonna get back up again because this life is SO worth living. Not for myself, but for the one and only God of the universe.
"Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King
I wish I could bring so much more
But if it's trueYou use broken things
Then here I am, Lord, I'm All Yours"
~
"Broken Things" - Matthew West
Dear 2018...
Thank you.
